Over a year ago, Republican presidential candidate and pumpkin-spice flavored egomaniac Donald Trump began a tumultuous bid for the White House. Three campaign managers, two flip-flops on immigration policy and one promise to appoint Dennis Rodman as ambassador to North Korea later, I began to fear the devastation that this movement would bring to one of the most overworked, underpaid and unappreciated groups in this country: the Trump campaign's human resources department. No one knew how these poor employees dealt with the stress of working to increase office morale for the political equivalent of a Jackson Pollack painting. Luckily, as one of The Diamondback's top five most esteemed weekly humor columnists, I had enough journalistic cred to reach out to WikiLeaks for some freshly hacked HR emails from within the Trump campaign. (Pro tip: For years WikiLeaks has actually been publishing all of their leaked classified information where no tech-savvy young NSA employee would think to look — on Myspace and Friendster). Here are some of those emails:
Aug. 5, 2016, to the entire staff: The office lost and found is overflowing and must be emptied. If you recognize any of the following items let us know:
• A pair of winter gloves monogrammed "DT" in gold letters, size extra small.
• Chris Christie's leash and collar. In fairly good condition, they were purchased soon after Chris endorsed Donald. If he waits too long to go on his daily walk, he turns antsy and may pee on the rug, so please pick these up quickly.
• An empty manila envelope marked "BRIBE" stamped with Ukrainian postage. (On an unrelated note, if anyone finds 5,000,000 rubles lying around the office, please contact Paul Manafort immediately.)
Aug. 7, 2016, to the maintenance department: Whoever is in charge of the nightly cleaning crew, please remind them to keep the blackout curtains in Ted Cruz's office shut, otherwise he won't leave his crypt after sunrise. Also, tell the dining staff to remove all garlic products from his daily meals, and the intern in charge of the dry cleaning to make sure his black capes are returned wrinkle-free.
July 10, 2016, to Donald Trump: We have received your new best hiring practice guidelines, and we have a few questions. First of all, we have no concerns regarding your plan to put a temporary ban on all Muslims entering the campaign workplace. There is zero doubt that the 'extreme vetting' test you sent us, consisting of the questions "Do you like cheeseburgers?" and the follow-up, "Do you hate Al Qaida?" constitutes an airtight inspection system. However, we remain unsure of how to verify whether female applicants are — as you so eloquently described — "a 10." We also suspect that your policy of hiring fifth graders to write your "Lyin' Ted" insult tweets may violate child labor laws. Contrary to your belief, composing hostile slogans of 140 characters or less on a billionaire's Twitter does not qualify as extra credit for their creative writing class. And for the seventh time, you cannot fire Mr. Goldberg as your accountant. The Anti-Defamation League has made it clear that being "proud of his heritage" does not prove a conflict of interest, even though you "saw him eating bagels and lox that one time."
Reuven Bank, Opinion Editor and Trump HR rights activist, is a sophomore biology; ecology and evolution major. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.