An Inconvenient Youth is a weekly satire column, in which everything is made up and the jokes don't matter.
In a statement the Justice Department released Tuesday, Attorney General Jeff Sessions praised the breakout horror film Get Out as 2017's "feel-good movie of the year." After an official White House screening of Jordan Peele's acclaimed directorial debut, Sessions lauded the film for its enchanting southern charm, reportedly applauding the "lighthearted, Dixie feel" of the movie's cinematography, costume design and casual racism.
"I do declare, that boy Jordan Peele really tickles my cobbler," the Justice Department head and amateur Confederate general reenactor mused. "I was fixin' to watch that movie again right after it finished. Heavens to Betsy, I could barely keep up with three-fifths of the action on screen."
Sources inside the administration confirmed Sessions had indeed enjoyed the show, and was even repeatedly told to stop chuckling throughout the duration of the movie.
"If I had my druthers," he continued, "I'd segregate that Allison Williams lady and give her a whole other movie. She's prettier than a peach, and I dare say she needs her own separate but equal chance to shine."
Steve Bannon, the presidential administration's chief strategist and fellow member of a mandatory diversity sensitivity training course, echoed the former senator's glowing praise.
"The damn media has been pushing its Jewi—, err, I mean, liberal agenda for too long," Bannon garbled. "It's about time someone made what I call a family friendly comedy like this one."
Reuven Bank, opinion editor and resentful recently purged U.S. Attorney, is a sophomore ecology and evolution major. He can be reached at email@example.com.