An Inconvenient Youth is a weekly satirical column, in which everything is made up and the jokes don't matter.
To combat anticipated 2018 budget cuts, the National Park Service will begin selling advertising space on the sides of mountain goats and other notable wildlife, Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke announced Tuesday. The advertisements will attempt to compensate for the $1.5 billion in Interior Department funding eliminated under the current administration's proposed budget.
"This initiative will provide the Park Service with a vital revenue source during the uncertain years ahead," Zinke asserted, touting a lucrative bison endorsement deal with Chick-fil-A's "eat mor chikin" campaign as evidence for the program's imminent success.
Despite strong pushback from environmental and animal welfare organizations, the proposal appears to be picking up steam.
Earlier this week, The Diamondback learned that Procter & Gamble had inquired about promoting its Tide detergent's stain-removal powers via demonstrations on the spotted owl, while Rogaine is reportedly considering sponsoring wigs for all 70,000 of North America's bald eagles.
Exclusive leaked documents also confirmed the online dating company Ashley Madison remains in intense negotiations over licensing rights to the catfish for an extensive marketing push.
Additionally, a spokesman for Kraft Foods, creators of the popular Jell-O dessert, stated the corporation will begin advertising its chocolate mousse products on the backs of wild elk in Yellowstone National Park. When asked why the company didn't instead choose to market its chocolate mousse on the backs of actual moose, the spokesman was overheard muttering "that's genius," before excusing himself to make an urgent phone call.
CORRECTION: Due to an editing error, an earlier version of the headline on this article misstated the name of the agency as the National Parks Service. The headline has been updated.
Reuven Bank, opinion editor and proud sponsor of the white-breasted nuthatch, is a junior ecology and evolution major. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.