Democracy has failed us.
That's right, I said it — sorry folks, someone had to. No, this isn't a months-late diatribe about the Trump election or a plea to get rid of the electoral college. No, this is about a real issue — something that impacts us all.
Namely, Kim Kardashian's Twitter poll to name her daughter North's new puppy.
Earlier this week, Kim, Kanye and their family bought a new puppy for North — but as of Sunday, it was still nameless. So with North's help, Kim put together a poll of possible names.
And it all came down to four choices: Baby Jesus, Peachy Pop (Peaches), Sushi and Goldie.
Now obviously, I had to vote for Baby Jesus — mainly because when I was two years old, that's what I wanted to name my newborn baby brother. I mean, how many historically significant babies have there been? It's pretty much Jesus, Blue Ivy and whatever Beyonce names her new twins.
And if the name Baby Jesus was good enough for my brother, it's certainly good enough for this fluffy pup.
Naturally, I encouraged people to vote — after all, that's the power of democracy. Even if they didn't vote for Baby Jesus, like they should have, they had the right to have their voice heard in this great debate.
But I didn't realize how wrong I was. As the clock counted down and over 230,000 cast their votes, it looked more and more like Peachy Pop (Peaches) was going to be our victor — not what I voted for, but a respectable choice nonetheless. And alas, when the votes were counted, that's what the results had as the victor:
Peachy Pop (Peaches) — 29 percent
Sushi — 25 percent
Baby Jesus — 24 percent
Goldie — 22 percent
A tight race, no doubt, but one that clearly shows Peachy Pop (Peaches) as the democratically elected dog name of the people. Not my first choice, but a name I can be comfortable in knowing was the people's true favorite.
But Kim Kardashian, iconoclastic harbinger of democracy's dying days, couldn't just let that happen. No, no. In fact, when it came time to announce the people's choice, she ignored it with flippant disregard for everything people love about dogs AND Kim Kardashian.
That's right, she decided to name the dog Sushi:
And in that way, Kim Kardashian is everything that is wrong with politics in America — social elites overriding decisions made by the proletariat — because dammit, when the people want a dog named Peachy Pop (Peaches), they should get a dog named Peachy Pop (Peaches).
But much love to Kim, Kanye and their dog, Raw Fish :).