There are few great truths in life, but one more definite than taxes and Father Time is Action Bronson's position as the master of the poetic non-sequitur. Since 2011, the rapper/chef/television host has created infinite couplets of rhymed allusions to the most miscellaneous aspects of pop culture. Don't believe it? His debut studio project Dr. Lecter featured a track named after 1987 NBA Rookie of the Year "Chuck Person."
You probably don't even know who that is.
That's the beauty of Bronson. His punchlines are so obscure that when they do connect, almost in the same way as the humor of shows like "30 Rock," the listener gains both unparalleled satisfaction and the sudden desire to tweet the lyrics verbatim. His music, a metaphor-filled cocktail of constant odes to Puerto Rico (despite not being Puerto Rican), marijuana, sneakers and Adidas warm-ups previously unknown to the public, inspired a cult following that the rapper enjoys today. Blue Chips 7000, the third installment of Bronson's Blue Chips trilogy, is itself a niche reference to the 1994 film starring the iconic duo of Nick Nolte and Shaquille O'Neal (a frequently recurring character in the Action Bronson discography).
The following are the nine most on-brand lines/bars/rhymes from Action Bronson's Blue Chips 7000. I wish Big Body Bes were here for the intro.
1. "Puerto Rican Air Force 1s at the wedding/ I'm only speaking truth/ I might open up for Bruce (I might)" — "Wolfpack"
If the Bruce in this line is Springsteen, the all-time wedding music award would have to go to any nuptials featuring Action Bronson opening up for the Boss while wearing a pair of Nikes that go for as much as $220 online.
2. "Came out the pussy wearing Timbs/ Oh, my Lord, it's him" — "La Luna"
The Queens rapper brings the stereotypes about native New Yorkers loving Timberland boots to a whole new level. Also, apologies to Bronson's mother for what must have been an unbelievably uncomfortable time in labor.
3. "Two pumps from the inhaler got me feeling like Lawrence Taylor/ Two kisses on the cheek from my tailor/ I got the soul of an Amazon healer" — "The Chairman's Intent"
So much is happening here — first an asthmatic Action is transformed into an all-time great linebacker and then congratulated by the man who hems his pants. Thus, this becomes the second-greatest postgame thank you speech of all time, second only to Ron Artest in 2010
4. "I'm qualified to speak for my attorneys/ Address the jury in a Shaq jersey" — "Hot Pepper"
The Shaq motif continues as promised. Just imagine a 5-foot-8, 300-pound man wearing a Shaquille O'Neal throwback in the courtroom, silencing his lawyers and standing up to represent himself before the judge. Truly incredible.
5. "They thought Body was Bruce Willis in Morocco/ Like I said, they'll never find you in a pot roast" — "Hot Pepper"
Bronson, along with rapper Meyhem Lauren and Big Body Bes — Bronson's immensely entertaining great friend and "bodyguard" — travel to Morocco on an episode of Fuck, That's Delicious, Bronson's Viceland series. It is unclear whether, despite his also being a large, bald white man, Big Body was in fact mistaken for Bruce Willis. Also, pot roast is going to be kind of tough to eat from now on.
6. "These dudes trash like Michael Jordan jeans" — "Let It Rain"
Michael Jordan dresses like this. It is great for the Internet and not great for Michael Jordan's mentions on Twitter.
7. "Now I'm layin' in the bed naked/ My chick said I look like Kevin Bacon/ I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not but I'll take it" — "Bonzai"
This should most definitely be taken as a compliment.
8. "Why this blunt taste like Starburst?/ And why your girl cheating on you with a player from the San Diego Chargers?" — "Tank"
The line immediately before this one in the song describes Bronson being erect while flying to Russia wearing a Target tank top. He was also apparently upset with the fruity taste of his blunt and simultaneously curious why someone, possibly a fellow passenger, had a significant other in an affair with a now-Los Angeles Chargers player.
9. "Hundred Latins in your lobby/ That's what happens when you fuck around with Body" — "Let Me Breathe"
Despite both being of Albanian descent, Action Bronson and Big Body Bes are obsessed with Puerto Rico. On an episode of Fuck, That's Delicious, Body spends the day at a Puerto Rican Day parade in New York City and proudly proclaims, "Everything I do is Puerto Rico" while surrounded by actual Puerto Ricans. It's great.