An Inconvenient Youth is a self-described humor column, in which everything is made up and the jokes don't matter.
During a press conference early Monday afternoon, a Housing and Urban Development Department spokesman confirmed Secretary Ben Carson is still looking for the luggage he lost following his 2016 presidential campaign.
"Secretary Carson is hard at work trying to locate his missing suitcase," HUD Press Secretary Raffi Williams admitted during the Q&A. "The investigation is running smoothly, and the president has assured us he will provide the department with a generous package of relief aid to assist in the recovery efforts."
However, an anonymous Diamondback source inside the administration painted a far more turbulent picture of the state of the investigation.
"Nobody knows what's going on," the exasperated senior official explained. "The secretary hasn't shown up to work since his confirmation in March. We tried to buy Dr. Carson a brand new luggage set, but he refused, even after we offered to throw in a free neck pillow."
The source further complained that the search had recently experienced a lengthy delay, as the HUD secretary reportedly locked himself out of his own home earlier this month.
Update: Another White House official has now confirmed the Secret Service finally managed to track down the secretary's whereabouts. He was found standing at the baggage claim in Detroit Metropolitan Airport, still hoping that his luggage would fall onto the carousel by Terminal D.
Reuven Bank, former opinion editor and savvy traveler who only brings a carry-on bag, is a junior ecology and evolution major. He can be reached at email@example.com.